How to Be a Happy, Mentally Healthy K-Pop Fan on the Internet

How to Be a Happy, Mentally Healthy K-Pop Fan: A Manifesto

Becoming a BTS fan has changed my life for the better.

I have more joy, more ambition, more confidence, more peace, and more self-compassion than I did in my BB (Before Bangtan) era.

But the one thing I did NOT expect was the internet drama that comes with being ARMY.

Of course, I realized there’d be plenty of haters and maybe even some BTS fans who wouldn’t welcome me as an ARMY in my 50s.

But it never occurred to me that I might come to feel so protective of BTS that I’d ruminate for days on the racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, homophobic, and just downright hateful things people feel compelled to say about them on the internet.

Nor did I realize I’d have such BIG feelings about my fellow ARMYs who seem dedicated to criticizing everyone BTS collaborates with … or tearing down other fans.

After several years of working through my feelings in a journal, I created a more formal document to share that explains my approach to using the internet as a fan—without spiraling or getting too caught up in nonsense internet drama.

It boils down to four principles I keep in mind every time I open Instagram or YouTube – and I hope it can help you, too!

[I do use some light profanity in the following paragraphs. If that’s not your jam, please forgive me and move on.]

I. Love Who You Love and For the Love of God, Leave Everybody Else the Hell Alone

Success in the music business is not a zero-sum game. Every artist who produces quality work can do well and have a loyal following.

One group having success is not a personal affront to another group. As K-pop fans, we should celebrate ANY soloist or group that garners international attention because it increases the chances your ult will earn new fans from among the ‘locals.’

Of course, you don’t have to love every K-pop group. In fact, it’d be pretty weird if you did. But if you don’t like a particular group, please just shut the f*ck up. Stop showing up in the comments to try to make their fans feel like sh*t.

It’s so silly that we do this. As a fan of Dr. Pepper, do you loiter in the soda aisle of the grocery store, harassing people who like Coca Cola? Of course not. So please stop doing this online to fans of things you don’t care for.

The super-sad part of the whole thing is that being a keyboard warrior may make you feel satisfied and superior for a few minutes … but spewing all that hate hurts YOU in the long term.

It’s like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. Being angry and vile hurts you and your mental health the most.

Yes, the K-pop system is built to engender loyalty. But loyalty to one group doesn’t necessitate loathing everyone else.

You don’t have to hate the group I love because you’re devoted to another. In fact, the group you love doesn’t expect or want you to.

If you truly loved your favorite group, you would be so filled up with positive energy that there would be little room for hatred and negativity.

A mentally and emotionally healthy fan would just say, “You’ve discovered a group you love? I’m so happy for you!! Isn’t it so fun to be a fan? Every pot has a lid!! Yay!”

Now, if any of this is pissing you off, let me ask you this: How do you feel about yourself?

If you feel badly about and are hard on yourself, if you’re in a lot of pain, your ego may be a bit fragile.

You may base your self-worth on what other people think of you, in which case a difference of opinion feels like an attack.

And your love for a band or group might manifest as hatred for everyone who disagrees with you.

Do you feel like you’ve gotta put somebody else down to feel better, even if it’s only temporary?

Would you rather be ‘right’ about your ult being the best than be happy?

If so, it’s time for a little introspection and maybe therapy.

II. Pick Your Battles and Battle with Love

If your ult-group came from humble beginnings -- maybe they came from a small label with few resources and really had to fight to get their name out there, maybe they faced a lot of disrespect and manufactured hatred – you probably feel a fierce protective instinct toward them, and that’s a good thing.

But what’s not-so-good is spending half of your life defending them on social media, matching the negative energy of haters who want to drag you down and make you feel bad, many of whom are either bots or folks hired to stir up drama.

Have they earned the right to an opinion?

The answer is usually f*ck no.

So, when should you take the time to respond? I’d recommend writing your own guidelines because it depends on how much you ruminate, how comfortable you are with conflict, and how much free time you have—but if it’s helpful, here’s how I think about it.

1. Is the creator offering an opinion based on personal taste? Or do their comments qualify as malicious or defamatory?

If they’re simply saying they don’t care for the group I love or K-pop in general, I move on. If they’re lying (AKA defamation) or sharing racist, xenophobic, homophobic, sexist, or otherwise hateful views, I report it to HYBE and the platform itself, if possible.

From there, I consider the reach of the creator. If they have a small following and their post will only be amplified if I engage, I don’t bother. Block and move on.

But if they have a pretty big following, I do want their followers to see that the fandom calls out hatred and prejudice when we see it. In that case, I may carefully write a comment that holds them accountable – without stooping to their level. Which brings me to…

2. Can I respond to this person and stay in my integrity?

It is possible to stand up for your faves without being hateful yourself. But if you know you’re likely to fall into mean girl insults, walk away. Being unkind gives the haters ammunition to say your fandom is toxic, just as they suspected.

To avoid just swapping insults, consider responding with the following sentence stems:

• Your take seems [fill in the -isms or form of oppression]. It’s not okay to see someone as less-than or characterize them as dangerous because they don’t fit into boxes that make you comfortable.
• That’s an interesting take. Why do you think that? I’m curious what led you to believe this/feel this way.
• Did you consider [facts I can prove with links]?
• I can understand why you might think that, but [different perspective] because [additional information that might change their POV].
• I can respect your opinion, but I see this differently because [evidence to support contrasting idea/interpretation].

3. What is my intention? What do I hope to accomplish by responding to this comment?

It’s worth considering why you’re compelled to hit reply. If your goal is to change the person’s mind, the chances are actually pretty slim.

If your goal is simply to offer a different perspective, do you see examples of respectful debate in this creator’s comments section?

In most cases, the commenter has not earned the right to your time and attention and typing a response will only amplify their voice.

And you’re unlikely to find a community that is open to learning from a different perspective on most social platforms.

You’ll have better luck in a well-moderated Discord or Patreon community where respectful debate is the norm. Where there’s precedent for backing up your opinions with facts while respecting people who disagree.

If everyone is just slinging mud in the comments, you’re unlikely to have a meaningful debate … so it’s best to ignore and move on.

4. Am I doing this to avoid something else?

If I’m being honest, the times I find myself getting caught up in petty online drama, it’s because I’m procrastinating.

So, I ask myself: Is there a better use of my time? Is there something else I ought to be doing that will be a bigger force for good in the world?

Be inspired by your favorite group and conduct yourself similarly. My ults never get into arguments on the internet.

They turn their frustration into art and focus on sending positive energy out into the world. How can I do that?

III. Idols Aren’t Really Idols, They’re Human Beings

For the love of all that is holy, don’t forget that these groups are comprised of real-life human beings with feelings. Made of flesh and blood, just like you and me.

And while it’s true that the successful ones do have a lot of advantages – money, fame, influence, etc. – they sacrificed a lot to get there.

They’ve worked their *sses off for years, given up their privacy and freedom.

They make a very minor mistake (that you and I could be guilty of and no one would notice) and suddenly they’re embroiled in a media scandal.

They make a bigger mistake? Their career (and sometimes even their life) is over.

All that to say, if you find it easy to criticize them and say sh*t like, “That’s just part of being an idol; I’d love to have those problems,” you haven’t actually considered what it’d be like.

And if you think some of these sacrifices are sensible – that we, as fans, somehow deserve perfection and availability, please ask yourself if this is really the way you would treat someone you claim to love.

If you will stop being a fan when the possibility of a romantic relationship is off the table -- I hate to break it to you, but that possibility has never been on the table. There’s really not even a table. And you’re not really a fan.

Take your delulu to the nearest therapist and ask for help getting grounded in reality and finding purpose in your life. I know you have the talent and potential.

What if you spent the time and energy you devote to judging idols on developing your own gifts? You could be an incredible source for good in the world!

Ultimately, your love for a music group should be grounded in their music, not their potential as a romantic partner.

Don’t misunderstand me, here. There’s no problem in appreciating their hotness.

There’s no problem with being attracted to their personality, character, or energy.

There’s no problem with being a little delulu. But be aware of your delulu and know when to quit.

They don’t owe you anything.

If you think it’s okay to talk sh*t about idols on the internet because “that’s what they signed up for,” I invite you to, again, consider whether the hate you are flinging around is really directed at yourself.

When I was unhappy and didn’t like myself much, I found it easy to pass judgement. To b*tch about and criticize others.

In fact, I was really good at it – mostly because I had lots of practice hating myself.

Luckily, the internet didn’t exist yet, so I mostly spewed my hatred in private and usually felt gross (and even worse about myself) afterward.

Once I started working on my own mental health and learning to accept myself, I starting asking where all that ugly was coming from.

Is this an honest critique? Or am I jealous?

Or desperate to be seen as cool?

It’s true that when you point the finger at somebody, you’ve got three pointing right back at you. So sometimes, when you’re calling someone a loser who doesn’t work hard enough, it’s probably because you feel that way about yourself.

If you need to get your feelings out, maybe write it in a journal where it’s not harming anyone else or spreading negative energy. Isn’t the world full of enough of that already?

But before you type something mean about somebody else’s favorite group on the worldwide web, ask how your bias would feel reading that about themselves. Or better yet, how would you feel?

Are you really going to feel better after hitting send? For how long?

Also, how is that even fun? Unless you’re a cartoon villain, the satisfaction of dragging someone else down to feel better about yourself is so short-lived.

Plus, it reflects poorly on the group you claim to love that their fans are so insecure.

You know what you can do if you don’t care for someone’s music? Stop listening.

Period.

IV. Love Thy Hater (Even When It’s REALLY Hard to Muster Up Some Compassion)

So, what do you do when haters be hatin’?

How do you get over it when people are mean? Without ruminating about it or letting it ruin your day?

First, ask where the meanness is coming from. Does it really have anything to do with you or your ult group?

I was a teacher for 15 years. And the kids who were bullies were always the most fearful, insecure, and desperate for love and attention.

If I took the time to find out what was happening to them at home, I discovered that they were either being bullied themselves, abused or ignored.

Trauma was nearly always the cause.

No one who feels really good about themselves is spitting hatred in a comments section. Folks who hate themselves, though, are really good at being mean and judgmental. Good at jumping to conclusions and criticizing without evidence.

They’ve had a lot of practice doing it to themselves.

So, when I come across hatred toward my favorites, I say, out loud, “I choose to believe that everyone is doing the best they can and the only appropriate response is compassion.”

Don’t get me wrong here. It’s totally okay to be angry about this sh*t. Just because the haters are hurting doesn’t make it okay. They’re still responsible for their actions.

We can have compassion for their pain AND maintain boundaries around what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. We just need to direct our anger at their actions vs. attacking them personally.

I like to process my rage by shout-singing my favorite BTS rap tracks, usually Cypher 3 and UGH!

Then I go back and decide whether it’s worth it to respond. (See the guidelines in Section II to help you make that decision.)

And don’t forget, you are not required to read the comments. You do have the right to opt out entirely.

So, these are the four tenets I live by when I see clickbait on the internet. Yes, sometimes it is appropriate to defend your faves in the comments. Other times, it’s more impactful to send them an encouraging note on Weverse.

Choose with care.

Your bias does not want you to spend your precious time as a grumpy keyboard warrior. They want you to feel joyful. To cultivate your talents. To be a force for love and hope.

So put your phone down (or close your laptop) and get in on the fun!

Note: This document is a work in progress. If you have additional ideas, I’d love to hear them! You’re welcome to contact me at [email protected].

If you're interested in posting a graphic to help you remember these principles, click HERE.

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